I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They took my balls.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
