Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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