maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
