why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
