They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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