if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
