Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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