So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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