thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
