Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
