You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
