when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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