btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
