Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
