Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
