Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
