I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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