Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
