i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize