i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
birth control should be required to get into college
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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