Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
