I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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