Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
