i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
