He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
