tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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