this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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