I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
