life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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