dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
