YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
