I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
