I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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