i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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