I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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