1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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