I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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