OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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