Do you still have your period?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
