She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
