i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
