if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
