If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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