girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
