I cockslap morals
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
