My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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