Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
