I will die if light touches me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
