I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
