Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
