I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize