She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You ruined the universe
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
