I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
