Betty ford says i'm here all night
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
