You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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