i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
