She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
