I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
