I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
