Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
