you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
