I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
