I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
